Scientists working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN have announced that they have found evidence for the ‘Force’ for the very first time.
“The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers,” CERN theorist Ben Kenobi said. “It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together.”
Update 2nd April 2015: Hope you enjoyed our April fool? Though seriously this week CERN will be busy restarting the Large Hadron Collider (LHC).
Kenobi says he first started teaching the ways of the Force to a young lady who was having trouble revising for her particle-physics exams. “She said that I was her only hope,” says Kenobi. “So I just kinda took it from there. I designed an experiment to detect the Force, and passed on my knowledge.”
Kenobi’s seminal paper “May the Force be with EU” – a strong argument that his experiment should be built in Europe – persuaded the CERN Council to finance the installation of dozens of new R2 units for the CERN data centre*. These plucky little droids are helping physicists to cope with the flood of data from the laboratory’s latest experiment, the Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE) detector, recently installed at the LHC.
“We’re very pleased with this new addition to CERN’s accelerator complex,” said data analyst Luke Daniels of human-cyborg relations. “The TIE detector has provided us with plenty of action, and what’s more it makes a really cool sound when the beams shoot out of it.”
But the research community is divided over the discovery. Dark-matter researcher Dave Vader was unimpressed, breathing heavily in disgust throughout the press conference announcing the results, and dismissing the cosmological implications of the Force with the quip “Asteroids do not concern me”.
Rumours are growing that this rogue researcher hopes to delve into the Dark Side of the Standard Model, and could even build his own research station some day. With the academic community split, many are tempted by Vader’s invitations to study the Dark Side, especially researchers working with red lasers, and anyone really with an evil streak who looks good in dark robes.
“We hope to continue to study the Force, and perhaps use it to open doors with our minds and fly around and stuff,” said TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi. “Right now, to be honest, I don’t really care how it works. The theory department have some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool the Force really is.”
With the research ongoing, many at CERN are already predicting that the Force will awaken later this year.
*Sources close to the Data Centre later revealed that these were not the droids they were looking for.
Latest posts by Sean Adl-Tabatabai (see all)
- BUSTED: Video Shows Prince Andrew Inside Pedo Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘House of Horrors’ - August 19, 2019
- Rep. Rashida Tlaib: It’s Time to Boycott Bill Maher - August 19, 2019
- Bernie Sanders Declares WAR on ‘White Nationalism’ - August 19, 2019